Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i drank out of a bidet.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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