You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
