Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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