the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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