Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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