Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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