Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
