so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
