evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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