I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
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The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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