just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
