Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
