There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize