No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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