How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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