he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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