Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
