Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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