I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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