i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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