glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
