i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
