Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
