Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
