I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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