i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
