The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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