i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
