i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
