I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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