If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
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You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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