the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
