I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize