after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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