Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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