hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
