goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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