What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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