I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
