I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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