haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
