I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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