I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
