Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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