Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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