I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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