Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
