Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
