I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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