I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
