Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
