Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
