I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
