Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
