remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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