pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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