tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
