According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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