a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
